Unholy Payback
by I.W.P-chan
Summary: In which Nono's funeral is turned into a spectacle. ("Xanxus, you bastard." "Heh.")


Summary: In which Nono's funeral is turned into a spectacle. ("Xanxus, you bastard." "Heh.")

 _Note: I am sorry for this shit piece of trash fic. Enjoy._

Alt. titles: 'The Drama Queen Gene', 'How to Bury Your Father and His Good Name with Him', 'Professional Mourner', 'Allusions to Illicit Affairs', 'Why to Not Piss off Your Kids'.

 **Warnings: Crack (To The Extreme), OOC (Played By Xanxus), Don't Try This At Home, Xanxus And Tsuna Are Horrible And Irresponsible And They Do Not Need Any Further Enabling, Someone Help Enma Please (He Needs It), Self-Indulgent, Trash Fic (Sorrynotsorry), Allusions To Illicit Affairs (And All That It Entails), Tsuna's And Xanxus' Dramatic Shit Show, Goddamnit.**

 **Disclaimer:** Don't own KHR.

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"I did not expect to see you here." Enma said under his breath to Xanxus from where the two stood off to the side during the procession of Vongola Nono's funeral.

Xanxus smirked, "I have plans to send my dear old man off. Properly."

Images of Xanxus setting the casket aflame and dancing on the ashes flashed through Enma's mind.

"Oh?" Enma wasn't sure he really wanted to know.

"I brought a professional mourner to the funeral."

"A-" Enma opened his mouth, snapped it shut then spoke up again, "A… a _professional mourner_?"

Enma was sure he hit his head on the way to the funeral and was hallucinating at the moment.

The funeral passed by in a haze, not that Enma cared. Xanxus was the only reason he was present anyway.

By the time the funeral was about to draw to a close, and the only ones still around where upper echelons of the Vongola and bosses of allied famiglia and their right-hand men, Enma was squinting suspiciously at Xanxus; was he serious when he said that he hired a professional mourner or was he just messing with Enma (even though it seemed unlikely)?

That was when a sound cried out, " _Oh, Timoteo! No!_ "

Enma blinked as a cute guy in a disheveled shirt, messy brown hair and distraught amber eyes, ran to the casket's side before flinging himself at it.

The newcomer wailed. Enma was sure that he was saying something, but he couldn't focus enough through his haze of shock. When Xanxus said professional mourner, he hadn't expected… _this_.

Enma could only make out words that sounded suspiciously like: 'what about the children?', 'you said you loved me' and 'I can't believe you're leaving me like this'.

As the mourner proceeded to throw allusions to having an illicit affair with the former don that resulted in _kids_ , plus allusions about Nono's sex life that Enma really, _really_ , could have lived his life without knowing, the other dons looked stricken (not that Enma was doing any better, he was sure his mouth was hanging open), in the front row, Sawada Iemitsu looked ready to raise Vongola Nono from the dead to kill him again, Dino was determinedly staring blankly at the ground, Byakuran looked as amused as he always was and Yuni occasionally gave a scandalized gasp from behind a hand (actually, Enma knew for a fact she was trying to smother her laughter).

Suddenly, the mourner rose to his feet, sniffing delicately and dabbing at his eyes with the handkerchief given to him by Iemitsu; the movement attracting the attention of the stunned crowd to the ring the mourner was wearing- the Vongola Sky Ring.

There was a collective gasp as the audience crash landed on the realization that Vongola Nono apparently had an illicit affair with his _heir_.

(Or did he declare his lover his heir? Some of the people in the audience murmured.)

"I'm so sorry, Timo. I know you wanted me take over the Vongola after you but I cannot, simply cannot, wear the ring you once wore, sit on the chair you always sat on, work on the desk you always worked on and rule over your family. I don't think I'm strong enough for such an inheritance. Your memory shall haunt my waking hours and my dreams.

"For that, I must give over the leadership to your beloved son, Xanxus!"

"Xanxus, you bastard." Enma cursed quietly.

"Heh." Xanxus seemed to find the situation amusing.

(Enma did not blame him. Enma would probably find it highly hilarious after the shock wore off.)

Xanxus strode forward, gracefully accepting the ring from the mourner and escorting his shivering form away from prying eyes.

Enma considered slamming his face repeatedly against a hard surface in hopes of waking up from this extremely weird nightmare- by all things holly, Enma wanted the image of Xanxus valiantly escorting a shivering cute guy away from people while offering a consoling shoulder for the aforementioned cute guy, forcibly removed from his brain and all traces scrubbed away.

Xanxus and the mourner walked towards where Enma was situated before Xanxus let the mourner go into Enma's arms.

Enma had a complete mental shutdown at the contact.

"Hi. I'm Tsuna!" The mourner, Tsuna, smiled up at him.

Enma looked at Xanxus who shrugged at him and sauntered away to his own boyfriend, Dino.

Enma looked back at Tsuna who was staring at him pensively.

That was it; Tsuna was clearly some sort of Black Widow who just had Enma sacrificed to him by Xanxus.

Enma tried to telepathically convey distress signals to Xanxus, but to no avail.

There was a snort, "Relax, I'm not going to eat you."

Enma looked at Tsuna just in time to catch his eye roll.

"I am not going to eat you." Tsuna repeated in a huff, half-amused, as he raked a hand through his hair, "Xanxus just wanted to introduce you to his future Outside Advisor."

"You're going to be the Outside Advisor?" Enma asked, tone neutral.

"Oh, yes." Tsuna put his hands on his hips, "I gave the ungrateful bastard the Decimo position, and he landed me with the position of Outside Advisor. The asshole."

(And that was the start of Enma's acquaintance with the former Vongola heir. Enma still wished he could murder Xanxus for it later.)

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Extra- deleted scene:

"Oh yeah, I'm Iemitsu's son. And Primo's descendant. I have the Drama Queen in my _blood_."

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End.

Once again, I'm so, so sorry for this shit piece of trash fic. But what type of primarily self-indulgent author would I be if I didn't have at least one trash fic?


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